déesse - goddess, female deity.
saleté - dirty.
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
June 2003
July 2003
August 2003
I feel sad. I think I'll be leaving this blog.
My new one's up at sevengem.pitas.com. It's a simpler site, less fancy features, but I'm getting the feel of it. Anyway, everyone vamooska and note me there.
I signed up for a new blog this morning. If it works better than this one, I'll post the link to it here and delete this one after a month. I plan to save all posts on my hard drive, and eventually print them.
Hello, Adam! (waves) I hope you're having a good time in class.
Also, Sneeches freak me out. Seriously. I think I was traumatized by Dr. Seuss videos as a kid.
Blogger's got some serious problems. Sites not loading, images not loading, blogs not connecting to stylesheets.... It pisses me off. So much that I'm debating abandoning this blog, and making my LiveJournal my primary site journal. I'll save the template layout, so if I ever decide to sign up for a new blog at this site, it'll look like I want it to again; I won't have to start all over, modified an ugly default template.
http://www.kazaaplatinum.com keeps setting itself as my start page. What an annoyance! Every time I get a Kazaa Platinum pop-up, it asks if I'd like to set it as my start page, and I click No, but it does it anyway! Urgh... some ads are just tooooo pushy.
I'm in a skirt again today. It's one I found lying on my bed yesterday when I got home from school. It was left in my sister's closet and my mother thought I might like to have it. It's knee-length, stretchy/clingy, slit up the left side to about mid-thigh, and a gorgeous, glittery, iridescent blue. I paired it with a black ruffle tank top, black legwarmers, and black sandals. Oh, I know I'm a fashion disaster, but I love it.
I took pictures this morning but, unfortunately, forgot to bring to school the cable that lets me download pictures from my camera to my laptop, so, you'll have to wait for those, if any of them turn out.
My old friend Corrie called last night and we talked for three hours. It was lovely. I think I'd grown away from her because of my then-hard opinions on one aspect of her lifestyle (she likes the bars, and at one time I was a judgmental sXe kid), but it genuinely didn't bother me last night. Yay me for growing up and accepting people.
Tomorrow's Thursday. I get to see Joel. I miss him so much these days... and please don't misinterpret that as something romantic, Adam. It's just that... since "all the shit," I've not only lost him as whatever more than a friend he was to me, but I've kind of cut him off as a friend, too. Feeling it's necessary to heal both my monkeypie Adam and myself. (Side note: Adam and I have developed the weirdest, dorkiest, cutesiest teasing nicknames for each other in the past few weeks. A few I've given him: cutieface, monkeybutt, weiner pie, and the aforementioned.) I don't know... I just kind of miss feeling permitted to hug him, and time together like that day we mucked around in his brook.
I also get to see Brock Lesnar tomorrow. (superdrool)
Oh: I bought these, and they're on their way. Zebra print and mesh. They were just too "me!" to resist. I hope they fit.
I've been motivated less and less to even give the appearance of paying attention in class. I despise Java programming. I should have dropped out of this course when the web-design element ended and the application-development branch began. I don't want to program - it's boring. Staring at lines and lines of code with certain words in different colours, hunting for the cause of a not-in-the-least-bit-helpful error message.... Yawn.
So the past couple of days I've been working on a new layout for my site and this blog, since they use the same stylesheet, and it's now up on both. I succeeded in greatly simplifying my stylesheet, which I'll have you know is now 9KB, down from 12KB. I've given the menus their own stylesheet, which will probably come to be more of an ailment than a cure. But anyway, go have a look and let me know what you think. As always, the link is at the top of this page.
More good news: Guess what finally came in the mail for me? I'm wearing it today, with the cozy burgundy lightweight bell-sleeve sweater I got for my birthday, calf-high black socks, and black platform shoes. My stripy skirt! Adam took pics of me in it last night, but they show my stomach, which I hate, so I'll either post them later when I can edit them without Tom behind me seeing my screen, or I'll wait for better ones.
That gives me hope for the arrival of the spiked armwarmers, since the skirt was only coming from Arizona, while the spikies are coming from New Zealand.
Even glancing at my previous entry embarrasses me. Yikes. I lost my mind.
But, I left it there. It at least proves that the boy makes me feel the extreme of everything I feel for him.
Adam has decided, out of NOWHERE, to be a SHIT to me today.
FINE, WHATEVER. AND IF YOU LOVE STEPHANIE SO MUCH WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK AND MARRY HER OR MELISSA OR WHOEVERTHEFUCKELSE. It's not like she didn't cheat on you, too. And I'm suuure you'd have so much better a relationship with Melissa. Sure, you can "rely" on her, but could you so much as look at another person of the female sex? HAHAHA! You find my political rants annoying now, but just you wait until all you get to hear about is Chad Kroeger.
Quit switching sides. It fucks me up. AUGH!!! I am so frustrated and pissed off right now I could fuckin' KILL myself!!!!! GODDAMN IT I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!!!! PISS OFF ON CALLING ME A WHORE AND A BITCH!!!!! I KNOW THAT SHIT!!!!! QUIT CHANGING YOUR MIND AS TO HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT ME!!!!! AND IF YOU WANT TO LEAVE SO FUCKIN' BAD JUST GET THE FUCK LOST AND LEAVE ME TO COLLECT MY SANITY!!!!! Augh, you fucking drive me INSANE!
I can't even express these feelings. My brain feels like it's BOILING. AUGH!!!!!
I apologize for the overuse of exclamation points. I felt they were necessary to emphasize how fucking insane I feel. I've reverted to the sentence-structure skills of a twelve-year-old on AOL. That's how insane I feel.
This is a reflection of me from the mirror above my driver's seat. How did I get this picture? Rest assured you'll find no paper copy. This was the second photo to grace the memory of my new digital camera.
I'm still feeling it out, so a lot of the pictures I take are either blurry or dark or both, but, this one turned out.
I finally found the setting that gets rid of grain from my webcam stills, so future shots of me will benefit. My hair looks like crap today. I plan to dye the front strips blue or fuchsia, most likely some day this coming week.
My old friend, and Adam's ex, "Jive" dropped a card into my mailbox on my birthday. Inside the card was a recent photo of her and a folded sheet of white paper. The sheet was a letter in the form of a poem. The basic gist was that she's never going to feel as though I didn't betray her, but that she wants us to start over from scratch and be friends again.
All nice, but that bit about betraying her. That makes me angry. I wonder how she thinks I betrayed her. By going out with a guy she'd dumped more times than I can count, most recently about four years ago now, and with whom she'd never gone further than hand-holding?
I don't know what to respond with, or if I even want to.
Fear my nineteen-ness, biatch! Actually, I won't be nineteen until 1:14 this afternoon, 12:14 EST, but, I don't care.
I opened some birthday gifts this morning. I'm so pleased with them all! I got:
- A clingy, lightweight burgundy sweater with slit bell sleeves and keyhole neckline decorated with hanging brown velvet ribbon strung with wooden beads, which I am wearing;
- An interactive two-CD-ROM set for learning Sign language;
- vanilla lotion and cologne, the latter of which I am also wearing;
- one pair black-and-purple hatch-pattern socks;
- sessy black underwear (sly grin);
- three metres of dark grey cat-fur print fabric, to be used on a new pair of flare-leg pants;
- three Harlequins (or "pervert books," as I call them), a Words of Wisdom After Graduation guide, tea lights and a silver dragonfly-shaped holder for them, from my sister.
I went to bed early last night and slept in until five after eight this morning, so I feel less draggy today. Adam's taking me out for lunch this afternoon, and Joel may be in town buying my present today. I want Cool Ranch Doritos, right now. I also feel like writing again. (opens WordPerfect) Talk to you later, blog.
I know you totally don't want to know, but, I want to bitch that my boobs hurt. And no, it's not, as Joey joked, because I played with them too much. I suspect it's because I'm (hopefully temporarily) off of birth control (I ran out of pills).
My classmate Selena is bringing cake to school tomorrow for my birthday! People are so sweet to me.... Reading Adam's blog entry in particular made me feel all warm and loved. I've got a buttload of wrapped gifts from my mom waiting on the table for me upstairs. I'll open some of them tomorrow, and some Friday, the day I've postponed my birthday supper to.
Happy birthday to meee.... Haha, I'll be legal, and you'll be a number younger than me again, Joel. (sticks out tongue)
I was poking Adam in the mouth this morning and he kept randomly sticking out his tongue and licking my finger. Hehe, what a cutie. He and I were snuggling on the white nude-model stage in his classroom a couple of hours ago. He's so pleasant to snuggle... so unbelievably comfortable, and his hands are always so soft.
Speaking of school, I graduate in exactly a month. September eighth, I am due to start my ten-week work placement required to fully complete this course. I haven't even begun looking for a job. I don't even want one. Screw programming. If I get a ten-week placement that requires me to do that, I'll suffer out the ten weeks, get my certificate of completion or what have you, and leave this career field in my dust.
I dropped my laptop case at home this morning and nearly snapped my outthrust network card in half. Thankfully, only the casing bent and mangled itself. The card, so far, is working fine. I fixed it up a little this morning, snapped down half of the casing that had peeled up at the top right corner. I hope I'm able to fix it up more, or at least that I don't have to return it at the end of the year. I'll probably start leaving it at school from now on.
A mommy deer and two fawns were grazing in the field behind my house this morning. To my shock, I actually woke up in good spirits and well-rested, and this only made me feel better.
I added a whole whack of stuff to my eBay Watch list. I think I may bid on these armwarmers. Fucking awesome. I love zebra print and mesh. I might also bid on this spiked collar, and I think I'll eventually get this spiked headband.
I cried twice yesterday. One time Adam and I were doing wrestling moves and his shoulder hurt the inside of my thigh. The other time I stubbed my little toe on the metal leg of a chair so hard it hurt all evening and my pretty black toenail polish came off.
I'm supposed to be doing Java, but it stinks and I don't want to look at it. So, nyah. I so should have dropped out of this course two semesters ago. I was so misled to believe it would be designing aesthetic websites, not programming corporate functionality.
I'm having trouble thinking of something to write. I want my fiiilm back! But I haven't yet sent it away to be developed. Bad me. No pics of Joel's green hair on that one, but there are some of his short-lived sexy sandy blonde, and some of various Joel cats in various adorable poses. I want a digital camera so bad. I can afford one now, but, meh, I'm cheap. Meaning, I want to keep all my money to blow on clothes and boots on the Internet.
It's still raining away here. It's been cloudy and raining for the past couple of weeks, without a full day of sun in between. Damn Canadian summer! What is it, a week of sunshine in the beginning of July, and then a return to spring (which is also about a week long, tacked onto the end of winter)? Screw this place. I'm moving to Barbados. This shoddy weather is making me fat and cranky.
I want to make a new layout for my site. Two ideas in mind. One involves a woman on a sidebar to the left, like my current layout. The other involves a top frame with some graphics and a horizontal menu bar beneath. I don't know why I'm blabbing on about that. This is the kind of stuff that I normally put in my blog - boring, day-to-day, family-friendly drivel. I'll probably copy-and-paste this there.
I want to go write something with substance. Try my hand at one of those short stories I've been meaning to get written down, perhaps.
Later, people.
Adam's coming down later for Raw. We've spent pretty much this whole weekend together. I will say no more.
Interesting, how I once thought being single would be the answer to this problem... that I could then fall for whichever of the two at will... but, my dilemma is far from solved. In fact, I think it's worsening. I have two good things going here, see, and if I don't hurry up and choose one, I'll have neither. I've been so torn... I really do not want to give up on me + Adam, I know that what we have is a great thing, I feel foolish to be throwing it away, and I'm not sure it's even what I want. To be honest, I don't even think that what we thought was wrong was really what was wrong... I don't know that there was anything wrong, other than... the proximity of Joel. Now that I've hurt Adam so, I feel so much closer to him and so much less close to the one that "caused" me to hurt him... and it's really not fair to Joel, is it, that I'm subconsciously pinning him as the only reason Adam and I were destroyed, and willing him out of the picture so that I can have back what I had and loved so much? I dearly hope my feelings for Joel weren't a curiosity that's been satisfied and has now gone away... but I feel so much more willing to do right by Adam now that I've seen how hurt he was by what I did... I want to fix him, and rid us of any problems we had. And one of those problems was me + Joel. Since I can't rid us of me if we're ever to be an us, the only fair thing to do... if I got back with Adam... would be to get rid of the second element, the "+ Joel," or specifically, the me ever being with Joel in any sense again. Any sense more friendly than the occasional e-mail or phone conversation, I mean. Adam doesn't deserve to constantly be reminded of what I did to him and what I felt, what I may still feel, for Joel, and so... if indeed I do choose Adam, if he's still available to choose, I have to keep Joel at more than an arm's length, and not in Adam's face. Adam deserves to forget, and I can't be pushing reminders at him.
Sorry for that long paragraph.... I've just been realizing that so much of what I did, so much of what I still do, is wrong.... I'm single, but, there's no excuse to be flitting around with them both. I can't love them both. I can't even feel for them both. It's one or the other. And right now, it's time to heal Adam, either by way of being a loyal, helping girlfriend or by way of being a friend sensitive enough to his feelings to realize that I shouldn't be friends with the person who helped me steal away his happiness.
My birthday's in three days. I think I may go out and get wasted. I had another dream about smoking pot. This one involved myself and a childhood friend fleeing from big bad men who wanted to kill us. Fuck my dreams. They're so senselessly cruel to me. Perhaps because I'm so "senselessly" cruel to myself, or so say those who, for whatever reason, claim to love me.
I'm gonna go play Smackdown.
Please, Joel, don't be upset. I've just got this feeling that you think now that Adam and I are split up, it's only a matter of time before you win. You have to realize, if you hadn't before, that you still may not win. He may still win, or you both may lose. Or - sudden idea! - I may cause you both to lose me. Yes, yes... you may all lose me, forever. Now that's a win-win.